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The People We All Hate At The Gym (And How to Not be That Guy!)

                Gyms are funny places. You get people from many different walks of life coming in and inhabiting the same space, using the same equipment, and generally working towards a singular goal: fitness, of some persuasion.

                New Years is coming up, so I thought I’d mention the kind of people we all hate at the gym. Dig deep, look at yourself. Don’t let this be you. I’ve rated them from the least intrusive to your workout to the most, starting with…

The Wet Mop

                It’s not his fault. He has a… thing. He sweats a log. Two minutes on the treadmill and he’s dripping. This isn’t the problem. The problem is that he never wipes down the machines. As far as this is concerned it’s a minor inconvenience. It’s just a few seconds out of your day to get a wipe and clean things off do you don’t get whatever he’s got, but common courtesy goes a long way.

                What to do if this is you: Wipe down every machine after you get done, or at least make sure its dry.

The Screamer

                Prominently lampooned by a certain youtube video, the Screamer feels the need to grunt and scream anytime he lifts a dumbbell. He may not even realize how loud he is because he’s listening to Avenged Sevenfold on his iPod. Again, like the Wet Mop he doesn’t pose a huge threat to your program, but is a significant annoyance. In rare cases you may find yourself in prison because you “accidentally” clubbed him over the head with a 1 pood kettlebell.

                What to do if this is you: Take your iPod out for a second when you’re lifting. Failing that, duct tape.

The Windbag

                Typically an older gentleman, he wants to tell you about everything. Everything. He wants to talk about the Ravens game. He wants to talk about routines, his breakfast, and how Viagra saved his marriage. You’re not an asshole, so you indulge this man in conversation. After all, he’s retired now and doesn’t have the cadre of friends and co-workers upon whom to dump all of this small-talk, but five minutes turns to fifteen, to thirty to next thing you know you’re leaving the gym and its dark out. Not only will this take you out of any rhythm you were in, but it slows your body down, and you’re cold again.

                What to do if this is you: look for body language from the people you’re talking to. If they’re not shifting nervously, checking their watch, or looking around for things to light themselves on fire with, chances are they’re actually interested in what you have to say. If they have lit themselves on fire, you probably don’t want to talk to them so long next time. Failing that, duct tape.

The Sky Clad

                This will always be someone you don’t want to see naked. This person will want to start a conversation with you in the locker room, which is dangerous enough what with men changing into and out of clothes. To stave off accusations of homophobia, there is just a certain expectation of privacy while your penis is out. That’s why Man Law strictly forbids talking at the urinal. What makes it worse is that they’re naked. Facing you. Expecting you to talk to them normally. Not understanding why you don’t face them. Much like the Windbag, the conversations last far longer than they should, and will leave the affected person looking for the nearest blunt object upon to throw himself on.

                But Thom, this has no bearing on your workout, why is this so far down? Have you ever tried squatting after having a conversation with a three hundred pound man in the buff about the Ravens’ tight end.

                Right.

                What to do if you find out this is you: put on some clothes.

The Weights Hog

                He’s got this new program where he super-sets four body parts at once. Most people would call that a circuit, but he absolutely needs to do it on a bench, a squat rack, a pull-up bar, and a leg press. God help you if you spot him from across the gym and try to get in for a quick set of pull-ups. Chances are the Weights Hog will come screaming over about how, “he’s using that,” right before he goes back to the track across the street to go run two miles.

                Bonus points if he is wearing a sleeveless shirt.

                What to do if this is you: Relax. Unless your mail gets sent there, the gym doesn’t belong to you. Also, consider going some other time than five o’clock on weekday nights.

The Helpless

                At one point, we’re all a beginner at something, but sometimes there are people who just bug the shit out of you. We can’t be too surprised, I suppose, what with all of the misinformation and fear naturally entrenched in the fitness community. After all, how many people die every year from the bench press alone (on average four per year).

                You’ll notice this person before you actually talk to them. They wander aimlessly around the gym. When you ask to work in with them at a machine they gladly and freely give the handle (which they were holding gingerly before) and watch intently as to what it is that you do. After you finish they will then copy whatever motion it was you were doing. They’ll follow a few steps behind you for several stations. That’s when the questions start.

                “Say, how many times a week should I…?”

                “How do I…?

                “What supplement should I take to do…?”

                I’m not saying don’t ask questions, especially if you’re brand new and you want to learn something more complicated like an Olympic type lift, or frankly any time you use any piece of equipment you’re not familiar with, but also remember that it’s almost 2011. We have Google. Use it.

                What to do if this is you: Google. Youtube. Weight-lifting websites. Go to the library if you have to. You remember, the place where we store all of our old books.

The “Trainer”

                Every community has these idiots. If you’re at a museum, they claim to have sold a painting or two. If you’re playing video games at an arcade they claim to be a video game designer. If you’re a writer, they tell you they’re Ernest Hemingway. They’re usually fairly easy to spot as, for whatever reason, they talk in vagaries (“You could say I’ve trained people before”), all seem to stand proudly, and tend to whip their long greasy hair about. I have two very separate modes to dislike these people, both as a gym-goer and as an actual personal trainer.

                As a gym-goer, the “Trainer” will correct you on anything, if only to assert his own superiority. Even if there is a significant threat to form, they will approach the correction in the least professional, most derogatory way possible. It is more than likely if they cannot find an issue with your form they will try to suggest some crazy compound one-legged BOSU squat with overhead press that they saw in Men’s Fitness the other day.

                Now as a legitimate trainer, I also hate these idiots because they will usually pop out of the woodwork whenever I have a younger (under forty) female client. They will try to correct me, suggest their own additions to the program, or generally just be a pain in my ass in some effort to get with my client.

                What to do if this is you: Shut up. No one cares. Get a real job, hippy. Let the real trainer do his job. Failing that, duct tape.

The Cross-Fitter

                This is going to stir the shit, but that’s what I’m all about, so let’s go.

                I want to make a big differentiation between the men and women who do Crossfit, and “Cross-Fitters”. Often, “Cross-fitters” are new converts – born again Christians if you will, blindly devout to their particular brand of training. This isn’t just personal adherence, but a haughtiness that comes from subconsciously knowing that your program is not only the best, but is the only program that makes sense.

                Crossfit is a good program for the general athlete and for the person who values horsepower over appearance, or at least that’s the claim. The reality is that the only innovation Crossfit really gives is the intensity. If you do any balanced program intensely enough you will receive spectacular results.

                These folks are the worst offenders because they are easily several of the prior categories all rolled up into one. Their WOD (workouts of the day) will periodically require two or three stations and are to be completed as quickly as possible so that they can brag online about their scores, so again, God help you if they have to wait five seconds more before picking up their deadlift.

                They also typically are drenched in sweat given the intensity, but rarely find time to clean it up, and will scream and holler to get that last bit of energy for those massive lifts. The “Cross-fitter” does this with the smug attitude that their program is infinitely better than any ol’ thing you, the layman or the trainer could come up with.

                Also, the “Cross-fitter” will also feel free to give advice in the form of little idioms. He’ll tell you to do more weight on the Power Clean, but call you an idiot for hurting yourself on the same exercise for progressing too quickly. These are typically the people that think Rhabdomyolysis, an exertion related condition that involves kidney failure, vomiting blood and death, is a good thing. We all remember this kid in elementary school. You remember, the one that always had to be right.

                What to do if this is you: go back to your Crossfit gym. Oh, you got kicked out of there for being an asshole? Surprise.